If the Universe Decides That We Meet Again

I still look back. But every time I do, I find myself staring into an abysssearching for something I can’t quite name. I still want you… or maybe I just don’t know how not to.

What if I had spoken louder about my feelings? Would that have changed anything? Would you have chosen me then? What if the timing had been different? Were we ever meant to be?

Questions. Endless questions. That’s all I have.

And I’ve tried,tried so hard to forget you. I won’t lie. But trying only made me think of you more. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I love you. Or why my heart keeps choosing you, even now.

Maybe I don’t want to forget. Maybe deep down, I really wanted it to work. Even though you weren’t the best to me… Even though I doubted you could ever protect my heart. Still, I kept yearning for your “maybe.”

I never thought knowing someone for such a short time could wreck so much inside me. Sometimes I wish we never met. But I’m also grateful that we did. Even if all you did was reflect the insecurities I tried so hard to hide.

I want to talk, but what would I say? The healing is taking longer than I thought. Maybe I was warned, but the emotions were addicting curiosity, longing, the hope that maybe you felt something too.

Now, I’m finally able to say it:

I still love you.

I still have feelings for you.

But I deserve to love safely.

I deserve certainty not confusion.

People say I’m cold, distant, aloof. But I wasn’t always like this. You just met me at a time when I was learning how to guard my heart. Now, I don’t know how to reach out anymore. I’m not sure I even want to. But I miss you. Or maybe I just miss what could have been.

Am I healing from breaking my own heart with assumptions? Or healing from the possibility that you never had feelings for me in the first place?

After my last message, you didn’t reach out. I hoped you would. But I was also relieved you didn’t. You respected my silence. That’s something I’ll always remember.

Maybe this is my closure. Or maybe it’s not.

We’re really over, aren’t we?

I still remember the way you said my name, the way we connected physically intimately. I remember how satisfying it felt to give to you in that way. And now… knowing I’ll never do that again? It hurts.

Have you found someone else who does it better? Was I too much, or was I just never enough?

I gave you loyalty. Real loyalty.

And maybe I pushed you away. Or maybe you already had your doubts.

I withdrew because I was protecting myself. But in doing so, I might have lost the very thing I was afraid to admit I needed.

And now I’m just here. Taking my time to heal.

I miss you even though you were never fully there.

I accept that I punished you with my silence instead of simply speaking up.

I wish I had communicated instead of retreating.

But I didn’t want to be too emotional. I didn’t want to be that girl.

Turns out I am that girl. And that’s okay.

It’s just… by the time I figured that out, it was already too late.

I made you the villain in my head so I could hate you and move on.

But when we met again you reflected that pain back at me.

Still, I pushed. I punished. I ran.

Not because I didn’t care but because I cared too much and didn’t know how to say it.

Now I wonder… have you moved on? Will we ever cross paths again?

I secretly hope we do.

And if we do… will I be strong enough to look you in the eye this time?

Will you remember me at all?

I wish you wouldn’t forget. But it’s just a wish.

Do you love her more? Is she better?

Again more questions.

I miss you. So much.

And it hurts knowing I’ll probably never see you again.

I didn’t mean to act heartless. I was just pretending to be.

I forgive you. I hold nothing against you.

This was both of our doing. And it ended.

I’m still learning how to live with that.

The feelings I have for you they’re taking their time to fade.

I wish I could’ve loved you the way I wanted to.

But more than anything, I want to be loved back.
Not as a “maybe.”
Not as a backup plan.

So this is it:

I love you, .

I miss you.

Goodbye, my love.

I wish I had said that to you in person.

But I couldn’t bear to see that cold blank face again.

Apparently, that’s my last memory of you.

With everything that’s happened

I still miss you.

Take care.

Unless the universe decides… that we meet again.